The Pulse of Life

I’ve been recently thinking back about and feeling into an experience that turned out to be a turning point in my embodied spiritual life. I was on retreat with Aadil Palkhivala and Richard Freeman over 25 years ago in N. Carolina. Even as I write this, I’m sending blessings to Lillah Schwartz for creating retreats with childcare in those days. I was a mother with young kids and no way to study with the great yoga teachers without that support. We were at a YMCA camp with pools and games and play areas and 2 hours of morning and afternoon yoga classes with some evening programs as well. My 8-year-old son Colby was with me; my older son was at a different camp for the week. During one of the evening programs with Aadil and Richard both present, someone asked a question about OM. I was already a longtime yoga student and teacher and yet their answers enthralled me. While I don’t remember the details of what they said, what I do remember is that they each spoke from both textual and very personal and unique perspectives. They answered in completely different ways and yet what they said was also complementary. I remember being amazed at the detail and precision of what they said. We probably chanted OM a few times too, but not much.

I received a transmission from their teaching that night. I collected Colby after the program and tucked him into bed with our usual sweet traditions and got ready for bed myself. What I realized at that moment was that I was different; there was a pulsation in me, a rhythmic vibration in my mouth and throat that felt mysterious and holy. It was compelling and I sat on the edge of my bed for a long time feeling the sensations which carried me into a deep meditation.

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The next day I could still find the echo of that experience and wondered what it was. I believed it had somehow been stimulated by the talk the night before, but I had no words or real understanding of what I was feeling, though I sensed it was important for me. At lunchtime I managed to shyly snag a seat next to Richard and tried to explain what I was feeling and asked him about it. In his usual inscrutable way, he said something but I have no idea what. Whatever he said left me free to discover for myself what it was.

From that time on, every time I looked for it the pulsation was there. I often forgot to look for it though sometimes (especially in meditation or savasana) the vibration was strong enough to remind me it was still present. Every time I experienced the vibration, I felt a sense of connection with myself and Something Bigger. It was totally relaxing and pleasurable yet also enlivening.

I read and looked for guidance in many ways over the years. Inquiring minds want to know, and I have a curious mind. I wondered if others experienced this and if it was something I could cultivate. It always started in my mouth and throat area, and sometimes the wave of pulsation was bigger—like a rolling wave flowing up and down inside my whole body. Sometimes it felt as though the wave was in me and sometimes it felt like I was in the wave, or even I was the wave.

After spending some years looking for external validation for my experience, at some point I remember deciding that I didn’t care what anyone else thought; this was a sacred experience for me, and I was going to keep sensing and enjoying it and let it teach me whatever there was for me to know. This was a deeply empowering moment, especially since one of the teachers I was studying with at the time had differing descriptions of what the highest state of meditation was. He described it as a vast, quiet, emptiness, void of any texture or qualities. I know this feeling too, but this was not what felt most alive to me. The feeling I had was also vast and empty/full and pulsing.

Then I learned a new word in Sanskrit, Spanda, and realized I was feeling something that the great ancients had experienced. Spanda means vibration or pulsation. In the Spanda Karikas (a sacred text of Kashmir Shaivism), there is the teaching that the entire cosmos is made up entirely of pulsations of divine consciousness. It feels feminine somehow, like the whooshing of heart energy that connects me to the feeling of Life itself. It feels creative and alive, healing and completely inclusive. As with so many meditation practices words are inadequate, yet I can say that this experience, this feeling, has been a touchstone for me ever since that night. When I look for it or notice it happening spontaneously, there is a felt sense of being Home and of healing. When I am finding it as I meditate, I know I am in the right place. It is a gift of great proportions.

During this next meditation course, Meditation, Listening and Sound, starting May 14, I am offering practices that will possibly make it more likely that you can feel this too. Likely you already have, but have not known it was something to cultivate. And while I believe these pulsations are always here, we’ll explore some simple ways to open and unlock our mouths and heads and bones to make this experience more accessible. I look forward to being with you for this—as usual it’s always better when we are together.

And as I am posting again, you can probably tell I’m back from retreat. I will probably have several posts coming up from that experience, which was profound in a variety of ways. I look forward to sharing that with you and taking on some more experiments together.