Agony and Ecstasy

Yes, Epstein, but Keep Reading All the Way Down

I am in the middle of writing at least four different things, but this has to go out now. I am also feeling inadequate to the task before us. Maybe this is OK. I do not have to have all the answers, but together maybe we can figure out how to create a world that does not sexually abuse children.

I have spent several hours this week learning about the Jeffrey Epstein story (more than just the files) and I have three podcasts for you to listen to, even if you don’t really want to. Because really you do. How our government has handled Epstein tells you everything you need to know about power in our country. That our federal government did everything it could to protect Epstein over the girls he was abusing (most were not women as some call them, they were children) is beyond disgusting and also unfortunately predictable. And I’m not just talking about our current federal government; this has been going on for decades. Powerful men have nearly always been protected from their crimes. Notice here I am not saying powerful men and women. I know there are a few exceptions, but with all we know about Epstein and his male friends who also abused children, it is interesting that the only person currently in jail for these crimes is a woman, Ghislane Maxwell. Don’t get me wrong, she belongs there, and not in a country club sort of prison. But where are the men?

The best discussion of the history I have seen of Epstein’s life and predations comes through the podcast, We Can Do Hard Things. In this two-part series, Amanda Doyle does a brilliant job of taking us through Epstein’s life, what we know about him, his many crimes committed, and how long and how much he was protected by other rich and powerful men. No doubt there is a lot we still don’t know, but she offers a coherent time line that gives context to all the daily individual things we hear. In the second part she interviews Brad Edwards, the lawyer who represents over 200 of the survivors of Epstein’s and Maxwell’s abuse, some for over 20 years. Because Amanda is so well studied in the information, her questions are pointed and I learned much from listening to this. And I so appreciated the way she centered the bravery of the now-women (over 200!) who have come forward and are still hoping for some sort of legal acknowledgement and closure.

We have been told by the current attorney general and president to move on from this, but we will not. The survivors deserve our respectful attention and support. They are also part of a larger group of sexual assault survivors under 18. Did you know that over 10% of girls under 18 and 5% of boys have been sexually assaulted? This is a national epidemic that affects every aspect of a child’s life. Some of this is discussed in the third podcast I’m recommending today, Becoming the People with Prentiss Hemphill. In this episode she talks with Tarana Burke, the founder of #MeToo, and these sensitive and brilliant women discuss our current times and how we might begin to create a world that is safe for children. Note: It is not the world we are currently living in. We can do so much better.

In the middle of listening to these podcasts which left me with intense anger and a side of hopelessness, two cool and balancing things happened. I had an acupuncture session with Heidi Vanderpool, an exquisite human who is a true healer. As we talked before the session she could tell I was raging against the patriarchy and offered me one aspect of the treatment to feel into my righteous anger, to know what to do about it and to balance it with compassion. I think that is what she said, but honestly, I’m not even sure, I was so upset. What I do know she did was validate my rage and saw it as a strength. And she probably noted that it needed to be tempered and balanced but not calmed away. Bowing to your lotus feet for that one, Heidi. What happened in the session was extraordinary. I love acupuncture and it is a treatment that generally works miracles for me. My body loves to receive it. Sometimes I can feel the paths of meridians with energy flowing through them, other times I drop like a stone into the quietest, most spacious, most healing experience. This time, I could feel meridians and this sense of rolling energy flowing up and down my body. It was very pleasurable; it was a feeling of calm aliveness. I’m laughing inside now, because right before this session, I had been talking to a woman who invited me to lead a day with her organization so that participants could talk about death and grief. I am very excited about this and that excitement was also flowing in my body. Death and Aliveness were hand in hand within me—just as they are within each of us.

Then I had this very cool feeling that I have never felt before in acupuncture, or in my life. Amidst the flowing, rolling energy, there was a feeling of strength from near my pelvic floor, up the center of my body to nearly the solar plexus. It felt sure and steady, without rigidity. It felt like Truth, it felt powerful. I have been asking myself since then, what is this like? How might I describe this because it feels seminal, essential. I’m still not sure but it felt and feels more like a root of something than an energy flow; it felt like something that the rest of me could organize around and already was organizing around.. When I felt the effect of it there was no fear, a kind of steadiness, a knowing of my true self in the most fundamental and useful way.

Re-orienting can be a little dis-orienting but I went about my day and let the nourishment from the session sink in deeper. That evening Kevin and I drove to Nelsonville to hear a concert with Valerie June that we had been looking forward to for months, our Valentine’s Day present to each other. If you don’t know her, she is a one-of-a-kind artist who is full of love and sweetness and tells little stories about how the songs come to her through voices that demand her attention. I felt her loving nature, her joy in the midst of the shitshow of life and relaxed into the ride. About 30 minutes into the concert, I had to sit up taller to feel into that same root of strength that was present again. I felt is as an essential part of myself and it brought me into some kind of inner and outer alignment. I don’t think I mentioned that I made Kevin listen to one of the podcasts noted above on the way down, so that information was freshly present again. But there was something about this inner experience that let the truth of all that abuse be true and let the love of Valerie June be also true. So hard to explain. As someone who has experimented with aligned posture my whole adult life, this alignment came from the inside and radiated out from there. My chest and heart felt open without effort, and I knew I could cry or rage or be still with ease. It is the foundation of everything in the torso and above. It feels related to but different from the sense of dropping into the earth and grounding. I’m feeling it again now as I type—can you catch it?

Here is one of my favorite songs from Nelsonville where you can see what she wore and how adorable she is. It’s worth going to a recorded version to hear the words more clearly but some of the lines are:

There is a light you can see that is wanting to be free,
A light hidden deep inside, learn to trust your spirit guide
There is a light you can find
If you stop to take the time
Know when it’s right ,
Rise and shine,
The seas will part, the stars align,
You’ll find that joy joy in your soul.

So my friends, listen to these podcasts, listen to Valerie June and let’s talk. We are not powerless; but we absolutely have to stop accepting business as usual.

Also coming up:

Reiki Level 2 for UZITs and anyone else, March 13-15

Re-Writing Your Life, Saturday, March 7